FIC: The Guy
Jul. 21st, 2008 07:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cookiemom6067Author:
cookiemom6067 Fandom: SGA
Episode: 5.01: Search and Rescue
Rating: PG for language
Category: Gen
Characters: Primarily John, featuring the team, Carter, Keller, and Caldwell
Word Count: 2,048
Summary: John has an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Part of the Season 5 ficathon. First story posted on Livejournal, only the second posted anywhere. Concrit and feedback welcomed.
He was “the guy.” When Dave asked why the sky was blue, or would the Patriots win the Super Bowl, or did Mom really have eyes in the back of her head, he was “the guy.” The guy with the answers. When the whole damn operation was called off, even though
He was that guy so often, that he forgot that he wasn’t really the Lone Ranger. It wasn’t like he came up with the plan to turn the shield into an ARG, or even the bluff to plant with Woolsey. Or that he came up with the serum to de-bug himself. Come to think of it, he’d been pretty damn useless when the whole base caught amnesia. Everyone would have died without Ronon and Teyla. And he’d definitely been the problem, not the solution when that nightmare twin of his had started killing people in their sleep.
His twin had been right, too. His nightmare was that he would let down everyone he cared about, eventually. It was like only he knew that he was John Sheppard, perpetual screw-up, not John Sheppard, “the guy.” Dad made that clear enough.
He remembered his candlelit dream (or was it a nightmare) with a shudder. Teyla saying, “I knew that you would come for me, John.” What a cruel joke. He’d - they’d - been a day late and a dollar short every time they’d tried, and now here he was, crushed under a building, waiting for someone, some guy, to rescue him. Ford knew. He knew Sheppard couldn’t be counted on. He knew because Sheppard had let him down. His mind’s eye pictured Aiden clearly, the ravages of the Wraith enzyme erased, but the betrayal clear in his brown eyes. Disappointment. Resignation. Accusation.
And he deserved it, didn’t he? All the while setting himself up as a hero to the kid – “we don’t leave our people behind” – well, Ford had been left behind. Even if he hadn’t blown up on that hive, they had stopped looking. John had stopped looking. He had let Ford down. And now he was failing Teyla and her baby, too.
He had to do something. “You need to start thinking about how to crawl your way out of here,” he said to Ronon, making his voice as commanding as he could through his pain. He had expected Ronon’s refusal, frankly. His team was a lot like him. None of them knew how to cut their losses. None of them were willing to leave someone behind. After a couple of tries, he stopped trying to persuade Ronon to leave. It was a waste of breath.
He couldn’t stop himself from getting weaker, though. He knew he was in trouble. Besides the wound in his side that Ronon had patched up, he had to have internal injuries and broken ribs, at least. That’s when they heard the digging. And shortly after that, they knew the diggers weren’t friends of theirs. John was sighting up along his sidearm when he found himself on the floor of the Daedalus’s infirmary. And, just as suddenly, the pain that his adrenaline had been keeping at bay came crashing in, full force. Fortunately, Dr. Keller was quick with the pain meds. He watched bemusedly as Ronon ran off the medic that was trying to treat his wounds. He felt angry, too, not seeing anyone else besides the two of them that had made it out of the building. It hadn’t registered yet that McKay was gone, Lorne and his team were gone, and he, John Sheppard, had once again survived despite incredible odds. And, once again, no Teyla. She was where ever Michael was, undoubtedly long gone once the Daedalus showed up. John felt despair, something he seldom indulged in. They’d even lowered the Daedalus’s shields to beam them up. God! He could have been responsible for the ship being destroyed. “Sorry about that.”
“Well, I’m sure McKay and Colonel Carter will be able to fix it,” the doctor said with a smile.
Disbelief, relief and wild hope surged through him, chasing the despair away. “McKay’s alive?”
“Yeah, he and Lorne were the only two to make it out of the rubble.” So, the rest of the Marines were dead. But having McKay and Lorne alive was more than he hoped for only a few minutes ago. And if they were alive, maybe they could get to Teyla after all.
“Patch me up. I need to get back out there.” He would not let Teyla down the way he had let Aiden down. He would not. He absolutely would not. McKay was alive, and Teyla’s team would get her home.
The plan to dock a ‘jumper in the cruiser’s dart bay during a 302 dogfight was just the sort of wild plan that Sheppard and his team were known for. There was no doubt in John’s mind that the team could pull it off. His despair and hopelessness were long gone. After all, he was “the guy.” The guy that pulled off daring rescues all the time. Now, to convince saner heads, namely Caldwell’s and Carter’s, that they would prevail. He felt a little shamefaced when
But, when Carter questioned his physical fitness to go on the mission, he realized that the plan was not the only wildcard in the card game. When she inferred that his condition would endanger the mission, it hurt almost as much as the hole in his side. He couldn’t stay behind while his team went in there alone. He wouldn’t. “Colonel, I have more respect for you than any commanding officer I’ve ever had, but I’m getting on that ‘jumper, end of story. I’ll surrender for court martial when I get back.”
It was almost too much when Rodney and Ronon tried to persuade him to stay behind. Fortunately, his “quelling glare of doom” was enough to shut Rodney up. His team understood when they would be wasting their breath, as well.
It wouldn’t be one of their plans if something didn’t go drastically wrong, of course. Of course, Teyla was in active labor when they found her. Of course Michael fixed the hyperdrive before they could get to the ‘jumper. Of course, the ‘jumper got stolen. But, they had their share of good luck, too. Rodney was able to catch Teyla’s baby just fine. The hyperdrive had only been guarded by a couple of hybrids. The only person they ran into was Kanaan, Teyla’s lover, who was able to help them steal a Dart. John looked down at the sleeping baby boy in his arms. Suddenly, it felt like his lucky day. He was even looking forward to surrendering to Keller’s tender mercies once they reached Atlantis. Now that Teyla was safe, and his team was safe, he was ready to be patched up.
Once he was ensconced in his bed in the infirmary, waiting for Keller to finish her pre-op tests, he was able to take a deep breath of relief. Every one was home, safe and accounted for. Even Kanaan was settled with a bunch of other hybrids in a secure remote infirmary at the new Athosian camp site. As soon as Keller finished with him and was able to review the database Rodney had recovered, she would start working on a treatment to return Kanaan and the others to their original condition. He looked up when he heard Rodney enter the infirmary with a bouquet for Teyla. Teyla and the baby were asleep, but Rodney took a moment to gaze at the newborn with a proprietary smile.
“Like I said, Rodney, you did good.”
“Thank you, Colonel. I was really glad I could help. I didn’t think I could do something like that.”
“Well, you did do it. Good for you. We got our people home, we destroyed Michael’s cruiser and we averted the worst of the ‘future history’ that the old you told me about, the part where Teyla is killed and her baby is under Michael’s power. I still hate to think what he had planned for the little guy.”
“I’ve got a question for you, Sheppard. Ronon told me when we were suiting up about you thinking that you were supposed to somehow ‘know’ that Michael booby trapped the building.”
“For a guy that doesn’t talk much, he sure has a big mouth.”
“He said it was because you’re supposed to be ‘the guy?’ I don’t think he understood what you meant, but I do. Sheppard, you’re not responsible for everything that happens. You can’t possibly prevent every bad thing from happening. You can’t know everything that might happen in a given situation.” Rodney paused, considering. John studied his hands, balled into fists on the infirmary blanket.
“I understand the feeling, John. Really I do. I think about them all the time, you know? Wagner, Johnson, Dumais, Peterson, Collins, Dickenson, even that Grayden guy...and even worse, I think of Hewston, and Carson. It’s taken me a long time to realize that I can’t know everything. I can’t prevent bad things from happening. It’s not in my power.”
John appreciated what Rodney was trying to say, he really did. “It just doesn’t feel that way to me, Rodney. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t supposed to be in command, that I never developed any professional detachment. I’m not sure I would be me without that feeling of responsibility, you know? “
“John, I’m not saying you don’t have a responsibility to the people under your command. God knows, you do. But that doesn’t mean you shoulder all the blame when things go wrong. We’re fighting a vicious enemy that’s trying to make sure things go wrong for us. All you can do is work to even the odds, control what is controllable. You’ve got to let go of the feeling that the uncontrollable factors are yours to control, too. You’re not that good, John.”
“Gee whiz, Rodney, thanks.”
“Well, you’re not. And you should get over yourself, too. You’ve got a team, John. You’re good, but you’re not as good as we are together. You aren’t as good at diplomacy as Teyla. You’re not as strong as Ronon, and you’re not as smart as me. I know I call you Kirk, but I don’t expect you to be the big damn hero every time. No one else does, either.” John didn’t look convinced. “Even the quarterback has 10 other guys out there, doesn’t he?” Sheppard looked up, a little surprised at McKay’s sports analogy.
“Well…”
“Look, if you want to be the lone hero, go right ahead. Just stop thinking you can do it in real life.” Rodney fished something small and white out of his jacket pocket and tossed it on John’s bed, then smiled and waved as he left. John reached for it, realizing it was Rodney’s Nintendo DS. He opened the screen and powered it up. The menu for Final Fantasy IV came up. He smiled with pleasure. He was “the guy” and he was SO going to kick ass.